Tip for Success!

As an HR professional with more than fifteen years of experience (okay, minus a stint as an administrative aide, realtor, substitute teaching, supermarket checker, freelance delouser, various startups and stopdowns, and a couple of years at McDonald’s), I’d like to help you help yourself to the job of your dreams, or maybe the job of your nightmares but what the hell, it’s a job. And that’s the first area of proactivity to investigate: you may find that after you have developed your brand, streamlined and targeted your resume portfolio, networked until your ass aches, researched at least one hundred local companies and taken each of their HR professionals out to two martini lunches, and, of course, plumbed deep into your soul to discover your best and highest aspiration (probably to become an HR professional), well after you’ve done all that stuff that you’re supposed to do, you may find that the job of your dreams has not yet fallen into your entitled little lap. Don’t be one of those boring, hopeless, I’ve- been -unemployed -for -two -years-and-have-sent-out-three-million-individually-drafted-resumes-with-accompanying-cover-letters -to-carefully-researched-opportunities-and-have-taken-every-person-I’ve-ever-met-since-grade-school-including-three-financial-analystswho-thought-I-was-a-hooker-out-to-lunch whiners. Why, all those branding and searching activities I described above are just the beginning. You’ll never get your opportunity to eat shit, like it, and beg for more (i.e. get and keep a job – same thing, different words) until you here it comes and this is the big secret that all of us HR professionals have been keeping from you up until now while forcing you to jump through ever higher hoops of fire, you must SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL. Yes, I mean the eternal soul. The one that will suffer hellfire and damnation forever and ever without end if you do this. Man up, you sucker, it’s not easy to get a job in this economy. If all you want to do is whine about it, fine. Do you want to be a winner? Do you want a job? Then do what you have to do. That’s today’s tip for success!

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